"you are one hell of an explorer," my friend told me yesterday.that was one thing i didn't take it seriously till i ran into a fix few weeks back when i was away on a business trip.i never consider myself a daredevil, well, till i almost get myself killed or fly home with at least a broken leg or a dozen broken bones, on the mountain skiing down the grand icy slopes in stockholm early this year. till i almost get myself stab in my stomach, when i ran after the pickpocket who has stolen my friend's valuables in bangkok late last september.these were all the littles thrills that i have prepared to take, and risk.but what freaks one out was, you walked into danger unknowingly at your least unexpected moment in your life, that fell in gracefully just like 1, 2, 3.it was a saturday, the first rest day all to myself to do anything that i wish after a hectic work week at my client's site. the roads were packed, and the traffic trickled to a stop. the setting sun is hanging lazily over the horizon, casting off a deep golden shield over the evening skies.i was tapping my feet impatiently on the stoned ground outside the westin hotel for a cab, counting and recounting the number of roses in the magnificient hall of the luxuriously decorated hotel. the screeching sounds of the brakes of the wheels arrived and i hopped into the cab and whisked off away from the city chaos."you don't look and sound local md'm." he was looking into the rear mirror. he was too young for a cab driver. "yeap." my answer was curt.
after a long day on the crowded streets, the last thing i want was an endless conversation from a man i barely knew.
"where're you from? korea? you're very pretty, your mom muz be very proud to have given birth to such a daughter." he pressed on.
"yeap." i sank lower into my seat. please get me fast to my destination.
"the roads today are crazy."
"yeap. i have a difficult time getting a cab" i sank even lower into my seat, hoping that he would forget that he has a passenger in the backseat if he failed to see me from the rear mirror.
"i have sisters who are working in where you come from."
well, apparently not.
"this is a terrible world." he rumbled on endlessly. "so much work..."
yes it is terrible, to have you as my driver. now i am really tired and rushing for time, can you get me to my destination in the next few minutes please? thank you and yes no thank.
"well, juz take it easy." i smiled, and pretend to take a new profound interest at the spieces of trees that were planted along the road as the cab rolled past.
and before i knew it, the car swiveled past a dozen others, and turned into a small dusty quiet lane up the hill away from the congestion.
"err.... sir", i started to get interested in the conversation.
"oh don't you worry md'm. this is a shortcut to your destination. i am very familiar with the roads."
as the car driven past half a dozen abandoned houses by the road, without a single human in sight, i started to panic. alarms ringing in my ears.
"last week i was driving an english lady, taking the same road as you are taking now. she was quiet throughout the journey, terribly frightened, and felt so relief when i finally dropped her at her destination." he went on.
"she even praised me for being a good driver." he turned and smiled brightly at me, exposing his wolfish fangs at me.
"don't you worry md'm, don't you worry."
the old houses faded behind us, and all i see next were graveyards. graveyeards and graveyards. everywhere. abandoned old broken tombstones on the dusty grounds, where the dead were long forgotten by their love ones, where the memories were buried deep beneath the grounds hidden by the overgrown bushes, where no single living human being in their right minds have visited the ruins for decades, where i was going to be kidnapped and left to die.
die.
yes, i am going to die. this little ditty that went on inside my head. iamgoingtodieiamgoingtodieiamgoingtodieiamgoingtodieiamgoingtodie.
in my mind, i have already conjured up an image of the headlines of the newspaper: YOUNG WOMAN IN HER TWENTIES, KIDNAPPED, RAPED AND KILLED. ABANDONED IN THE WILD. HOBO BAG MADE IN SO and SO COUNTRY. LIMITED AUTUMN EDITION ONLY.
"we are reaching soon md'm."
and in my mind, another voice was speaking to me. you need to trust, trust. do not be suspicious....but i am going to die......trust trust ....die die die....you need to trust.....i am going to die fuck you.... trust....
oh good gracious. i still have half a dozen things i have yearned to do, the countries i want to visit, my friend's newborn i have yet to name. even if i am going to die, i would die in regal style, with a few hundred friends sobbing after me, flowers and candles in memory of me. no, not like this. buried and unfound.
"the roads are unsafe nowadays md'm, especially when you are alone."
by now, half a dozen buddhist chants has already raced through in my mind. if i could get out of this unscathed, i promised, i would do anything my mom wants me to. i would donate blood to all the hospitals. i would rebuild all the school after the tsunami. i would i would i would.
"yes, thank you but i have friends waiting for me at the hotel. no worries sir." i smiled with sufficient aplomb.
but deep inside, i am already bawling loudly like a baby, tears flooding the earth. the truth is, i have nobody waiting for me at the hotel. i am all alone in a foreign land. and i want to go home.
as the car raced further down the hill, i started to see the place coming alive. some movement on the left side of the road. human! and as the cab stormed onto the main bustling streets once more, i nearly shouted with triumph!
"your change md'm. do you have someone to chauffer you to the airport tomorrrow? need my service?" he was smiling at me brightly, oblivious to the trama he has just put me through.
"nah... my friend is driving me there. thank you" i have to support my weak limbs with my hands and wobbled out of the cab with what remaining grace that has been desiccated for the last one hour.
in my hotel room, with the door bolted closed, i made a phone call to my mom. this weekend, i would rid my house of every single speck of dust, bath the fishes, and rearranged all the garments in my closet. i promised.
