Damn

Today I have one of the lousiest and freakiest way to start the day.

After all the naggings, backstabbing, accusations, abandon, tumors and eloping or what so ever, I finally get a night sleep with a sweet and wonderful dream... with care and concern.... attention and love of a sauve hunk... hehe. And my stupid alarm clock has to choose this exact moment to ring off!! Immediately followed by my mom's overly eagerness of bursting into my room and jolted me violently awake from my sweet dream to report for work!

Grrr....

I did try to get back to sleep immediately, hoping to recap back that magical moment, but it was gone forever.

What could be a worse way to start the day =(

Lumps

My close gal frenz sent me an sms 2 days ago that she has booked her operation for her surgery.

Just the start of the new year, she has to discover this horrible news that the twitching of her finger for the last 4 years is due to a brain tumor sitting on her nerves.

She tried to cast it off as a minor issue but I know she is worried like hell.

So am I for her.

She will be placed under local anaesthetic, of which the doctor will shave off part of her hair, cut open the skin and flesh, and will proceed to saw open her skull.

When the brain is exposed, she will be woken up and be asked to move her fingers throughout the operation so that the doctor can gauge the precise position to extract the tumor.

I almost puked my lemon tea when I heard that.

Going through a major surgery is bad enough, but to be awake in the middle of it is something that I cannot imagine.

The breaking of my nerves during my minor surgery of the extraction of my wisdom tooth few years ago still sent quivers down my spine till today.

Having someone saw open your skull and shaken awoke in the middle of it, and feel the tugging of your head, knowing someone is cutting out part of your brain, followed by the hammering later is a nightmare not everyone can swallow.

I pray for her.

Courage is only what I can offer her at this point of time.

Lumps and tumors are something that we will never want to cross path in all our lives.

The experience will be a traumatizing one, and considering the high cost of treatment to be incurred too.

Five years back, two of my close friends have also discovered lumps in their breasts.

* why do all of my friends seem to have tumors? *

One of them got it removed but the other friend, knowing hers is benign too, wanted to save the cost of surgery and till this day, still carrying that time bomb around inside her body.

Most lumps are harmless, but most doctors will advise to have it remove coz there are still chances of it turning vicious one day.

I have pursued her many times into a surgery but her stubborness still insists on saving the money.

We women dun spend too much time thinking about our breasts compared to our male counterparts, but still if a lump is detected, a regular mammogram or a ultrasound scan is not too much to ask for.

No doubt that the cost of checkup is steep, but if you can splurge on an ipod or an O2, surely the cost of saving your own life is justifiable.

I am also guilty of not going for regular checkup.

I remember when my other friend has made up her mind to go for the surgery, I have shyly asked her how does a lump feels like or looks like on the breast, coz I am not sure of how to check for one.

The next one hour that followed have us groping and squeezing our own breasts trying to check for lumps. She gave me a whole, life experience lecture from the start of her discovery to her decision to remove the benign mass.

She even put down her bra to let me see the lump in her left breast and let me touched it so that I can know what a real lump feel like, and not fats.

After that intimate sharing session, I will always check for lumps after my menses.

Initially, the groping and squeezing of my own breasts brought a faint flush to my face, as I am not used to groping my breasts.

All the squeezing and pressing carried on for only a few days.

Soon, as with most women, laziness sunk in. I stopped and I dun bother anymore.

For women who have husbands and boyfriends, well.... good for you coz you have someone to unintentionally check it for you. =P

For someone like me, I will TRY to remember to do a check as and when.

I wish lumps will never find any women in the world.

Have I Ever

Have I ever told you
that if I sit really still and silent,
sometimes. I like to think
I can hear your heart beating
In time with mine?

Have I ever told you
that when I watch you speak to me
through lines and cords,
and bytes and ram,
I imagine
your voice,
whispering into my ear?

Have I ever told you
that I wait out each day
in anticipation,
wanting
only an hour or two,
just a second in space and time,
to feel close to you?

Have I ever told you
that there has been times,
when I ached for you,
ached for you so badly,
that the emotions overwhelmed me..
and so I sat and cried?

Have I ever told you
that sometimes,
I will reach out,
touching your name
on this cold screen before me,
wishing
I could reach in
and pull you to me?

Have I ever told you
that after the first time I heard
the sound of your voice,
thousands of miles away,
I sat up all night,
turning the conversation over and over
in my mind,
examining it,
like some newly discovered species of flower?

Have I ever told you
that I would give everything up,
just for one night
to be able to lay near you,
to feel your chest rise and fall
with each breath you take,
just to know that you are real?

Have I ever told you
that I dream of you often,
I dream of you reaching out
and touching my hand,
simply to let me know
that you are there,
and everything is okay?

Have I ever told you,
have I still yet to tell you . . .
that I love you?

Author: Ravenz

I had a Nightmare

My 'I have a Dream' struck off the composing cord in my friend. His is such a beautiful piece that I simply cannot resist placing it on my blog.

Mine pales in comparison.


I had a Nightmare
(A Pessimistic Geriatric view to "I Have a Dream")
Author: WLiang

I had a nightmare
Where I was old and frail
Lost in the footsteps of modernization
Hearing machines hum and vehicles rumble by

A leaf landed on my feet
A yellowed leaf it was
I remember I was once green and vibrant too
Vowing to grow up strong and lush and be the vibrant me

But I let it crumble in my grasp
into golden pieces for the fertile land once more
Oh if only I can turn back the hands of time
To relive those energetic sparks again

As I walk down the boardwalk now
In pursuit of that fountain of eternal youth
Longing for times gone by
If I should end then... end.

Twenty Eight

Last evening my good frenz, maeve, was in extremely good mood and gave me a ring.

We were chatting when she asked how do I want to celebrate my birthday this year.

In 22 more days, I will be turning 28.

I would have passed 28 springs, roamed on this earth for 10220 days and survived a few recessions.

At 28, I have no career, no love and no money.

There seems to be nothing worth celebrating about.

At this age, my dad was already supporting his family of seven siblings, as well as his nieces, nephews and us.

My brother was already a consultant.

My mom has already given birth to my sis.

Audrey Hepburn would have already won her first oscar.

I seem to have achieve nothing.

The pressures of the society have succumbed us much to the overwhelming demands of the employers, raising loans and prices of commodities and yet pathetic wages.

A bowl of noodles cost 10 cents fourty years ago, but the same bowl will have cost at least $3 now.

Just today, a colleague was whining about how much money she needs a month to support her demanding mother and upon retirement, she will have nothing much left through old age if she remains single, and have to scrimp from her savings and CPF from her non-grad job.

I am lucky. At least I have a degree.

But judging from the much paper prowling singapore, if you are to hurl a stone onto the street, chances are you can hit a graduate 6 out of 10. Having a degree is no longer big deal now, that you are having higher qualifcations and will be promoted to a higher level easily.

I already have a friend who has started on pursuing his Phd, not being contented on his masters, and he is only 28.

In the near future, singapore will also have an over supply of graduates. You may even see graduates taking up jobs as watchman, road sweeper due to lack of jobs in the market.

Is this the price of moving from a developing country to a developed country?

The invitation of foreign talents by the government has made the situation worse. But our government has much foresight to force us to save by imposing the CPF, such that about 20% of our monthly income is being credited into our CPF account with an additional 20% given by the company for our retirement in the future.

But judging from the increasing inflation and medical expenses over the years, in order to retire comfortably to a ripe old age, it has been calculated that about $1million is needed to achieve that.

Assuming you start working at age of 25 and retire at 55. If you are going to live till 80, that means whatever you have been working for in that 30 years, will go into financing the daily expenses in the later 30 years for your old age. And to top it up, there is also the medical bills to consider.

Most singaporeans will have to spend 30 years financing their flats of which we will own it only for 99 years under the law. That means the house wun be passed down to our grandchildren. If you throw in a car as well, each month the burden will be heavier. And over here, not only you need to pay for the car, you need to pay for the COE, a cert of entitlement to the ownership of the car, which can cost almost the price of one car in most countries as well.

No wonder there has been a saying that singaporeans are forever in debts.

What people have been stressing in this millemium is passive income. Whatever we have earned as an employee is only sufficent to pay for the expenses in our life.

A friend of mine at 30, not wanting to be an employee his whole life earning that miserable amount, has taken a huge step forward to start his own business and is on his way of pursuing his mba now.

I greatly admired him for his courage and determination.

As we all are pondering at one moment of our life or another, just how much is sufficient to consider a success?

Having loads of money in your bank account? Living luxuriously in large mansion? Driving posh cars? Break a few world records?

If so, then I am very far from the goal.

At this point of my life, I am still searching for a direction wondering if I should continue to toil in my current industry.

I am still struggling for my existence.

This is perhaps what some may call the quarter life crisis.

The sad thing at this stage is, I am still a nobody at this point of my timeline.

The good thing is, it is only a quarter life. I still have at least two more quarters to strive for.

For better or worse, I am determine to make changes in my life this year.

Tomorrow I will have one more strand of white hair, one more crease on my face.

I may be an under achiever now, but that does not mean I will not be a good wife or a mother in the future for my family.

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead.
The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.
~ Sir Winston Churchill

Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
~ Bernadette Devlin

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
~ Albert Einstein

Your persistence is your measure of faith in yourself.
~ Author Unknown

My Cursor Trail

Been trying to look for a solution for my cursor trail.

Hmm.. so far no luck.

Tried changing the codes but still it seems to drag my right border out of proportion.

And when I started scrolling down the page, it just disappeared.

Argghh...

Seems like the sites that provide the codes for such cursor trails need to do more tuning to the existing codes.

But I do have lots of fun trying to brush up my html while looking for the solutions.

This should keep me busy for a while.

Anyone cares to provide me a solution?

Tried making background transparent.

Increasing the speed.

Shortening the length of trail.

All are not working. =P

Well, at least I have some short terms goals for now.

And also it is time to do more planning for my existing life.

Adios.

PS. sorry for the ugly presentation of my site.

Be Proud of the Women Around You

Been grinding my teeth since this morning.

It is another day that reminds me again that I am a woman, that I am biologically different from the Adams.

Have heard from my gal frenzs about all the horror stories of child birth.

How the vaginal of the mother and umbilical cord is cut without using anaesthetic as the contractions are far more terrible.

How sometimes the labor can stretch as long as 42 hours.

How bloody the process is such that some husbands vomitted in the labor room.

And how the pain be 10 times more excruciating than the agonizing pain we experience every month.

And mine today is considered mild.

If I am to go into labor at this moment, I will probably ask the doctor to kill me. Coz normally I will experience horrible headaches than cramps.

Today, the pain is so agonizing that it feels as though a stick has been shoved up from the vagina into the stomach and twisted continuously inside the stomach.

Or that a huge worm is trying to eat its way out of the stomach, through the intestines and out towards the other end of the opening.

* ok.. ok.. I know I am gross *

Sometimes it is so bad that I actually stopped in the middle of my work, gripped the table very tightly, stopped breathing and let my body froze at that eternal moment.

Everyone of us has gone through pain at one point or another in our life.

I have suffered huge, swollen bruises, bone and veins twisted sprains and countless bloody, open wounds before during my track and field days, so bad that I limped in school for days and that a classmate has to carry me up the stairs coz I cannot bend my joints.

I have undergone a minor surgery to extract all 3 of my wisdom tooth at one go, and bled profusely for a day and night with a throbbing pain in my whole head and face.

I have went through orthodontic treatment before and wake up in the middle of the night coz my teeth is tugged so tightly and that my mouth is full of horrible uclers that I was jerked awake from my sleep.

But they are all unable to compare to the pain that is spread from the inner core of your body and outwards to the rest of it, that make you stop dead for a moment.

No wonder a woman's threshold of pain is many times better than man.

In future when I am in labour, I will make sure I bite hard on my husband's arm so as to share part of the pain with him.

hehe.

So to all men, be proud of all the women around you.

After all, it is woman who has given birth to you, and it is also her who will bear your offsprings in the future.

Be a gentleman.

Show them that you love them and respect them.

Next time when you leave the room, remember to hold the door for her.

Or help her to carry her heavy bags when she went shopping.

Coz we really really appreciate it, and we will all love you if you do that.

Lost

Today I am feeling lethargic again.

I switched from my secret garden, to norah jones.

Too upset listening to those soulful pieces, reflecting my screw up life.

Nothing seems to go well for me.

Work sucks. Still no promotion after years of hard work. While some people can just climb up the ladder surfing web and playing games for last 5 years.

After endless being screamed at by a senior for years, working overnight, stabbed in the back my co workers and some claimed to be friends.....

This year I am not pinning much hope either.

*that spineless loser. time you wake up*

On second day of cny, already had a fight with sis. Again making her unreasonable accusations and demands of me.

For years, she has been making things difficult for me. Always badmouth me in front of my parents and me. Making me look bad.

Seems like she is still jealous of me. Even my other siblings can't stand her nonsense and demands.

At one time she even 'adopted' a sis from her work place, and I feel so hurt. That was the second time she has done that.

She splurged every cent on the 'sis', and she counted every cent with me.

I thought blood is thicker than water, isn't it?

Since young I never know how to fight with other people. Each time grandpa distributed sweets to the rest of the grandchildren, I will awkwardly stood behind the rest of my cousins till they have snatched up all the sweets.

It was so bad that grandpa actually have to hid some for me, then secretly led me to his mysterious hidding place and gave them to me.

My close friend asked me why din I tell her that?

But never once did I do so coz the 'sis' was the ideal sis that she has always wanted, and I want her to be happy.

That day mom again wanted me to contribute more to the household again.

sigh.

What a lousy way to start the lunar new year.

Last weekend, I have just bought some self enrichment books.
Some of the titles I have bought, I would have laughed a few years back. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. You can be happy. Life is short, Put Your Party Pants On, and Art of Seduction.

The last one I definately need it badly, judging from the rate I am being appraised in work.

Today is valentine's day.

I think of him again.

Today I will not recieved any flowers.

Each time I listen to Poeme from secret graden, it will remind me of him.

Bittersweet.

I have worked so hard to salvage whatever is left.

I have never learn to fight in my whole life, but this time I want to fight something for myself.

Each time I am flung painfully onto the ground, I crawled up and tried again.

Till now I still hate her for screwing things so badly for me, and my work and other people impression of me.

He and I were doing fine at first, no pressures, no arguments, till she jealously told him things she noseyly assumed, and hell broke, and I was pressed, and I canot breathe.

And I was confused. I was scared.

And.... I din say yes.

Sometimes, I feel like I am waiting for that judgement day.

That he has found a new love. He has dumped me out of his life eternally.

He has forgotten.

Last year, this time, I was the happiest being on earth becoz I had his love.

This year, this time, I was the saddest becoz I have lost it.

Perhaps I am already fortunate enough.

At least, I have a home. I still have my family. I am not handicapped. I do not have abusing family members. I am not abused or violented. I do not have to sell myself to make ends meet. I do not starve.

I duno anymore.

I Am Amazed. I Am Very Amazed

Chinese New Year is the time of the year whereby you will meet lots of people.

Relatives whom you have not seen for ages will turn up at your house, and gatherings with friends from as far back as elementary school.

This time of the year, whenever anyone sees me, they will always ask me the same old questions.

First came the million dollar question.

'So you have any boyfriend?'

Then came the trillion dollar question.

'When is your turn to give ang bao?'

And lastly the ultimate zillion dollar condolence.

'Dun worry lah... next year you will have the chance...'

All these are on top of the usual fuss of how tall I have grown over the years, how much prettier I am compare to last year (err.. I thought I still look the same?) ...etc.

I understand that at my age, all these are inevitable. After all, in a mere 2 years' time, I will be hitting the big 3.

And most of my friends around me seems to be attached or have married. A few are even a mother of two.

And recently, there seems to be a trend of tying the knot just after a few months of relationship.

A good friend just told me that day, that 2 of her friends whom I know too, have decided to end their bachlorettehood just after few months of dating the guy.

*wau....!!! * So happening....

This is something that I will never do at this point of time, unless the guy gives me a very comfortable feeling and that I love him very much.

Marrying the guy just after few months of dating requires lots of courage and reasurrances.

There is always this chinese saying that men are most afraid of getting into wrong jobs, women are most afraid of marrying the wrong man.

That day a colleague was just telling me that a few couples were interviewed regarding their speedy marriage.

One couple was engaged after knowing each other for just 13 days.

*wow another time*

Am I being conservative? Or just that people nowadays dun wana spend too much time planning anything including marriage, and just go with the flow?

Or does age really play an important role in marriage?

No doubt that it does, especially for women, as their biological clock is screaming for retirement day after day.

And our society has also subjected us to the impression that when one reached a certain age, he or she should arleady have a family of his or her own.

Recently, I also have a friend who is thinking of tying the knot just after 1 month of dating the guy, and shortly after dropping out of a really bad relation last year.

I am amazed at the courage of her and the rest who are willing to commit a lifetime happiness shortly after few months, if not weeks.

Perhaps they are the lucky few who have meet the true love of their life, and at the first meeting, they have found the answer.

For people who are still wondering if he or she is the one. You are not alone.

For people who have make a speedy decision, I salute them.

Blogging

Five articles down the road.

I am still blogging.

Email server is down now. So I can take some time to blog again to spend the time.

Was writing email when the outlook suddenly hanged. Then I saw a big, fat error that said server error. The next thing I know is my PC started choking out lots of noises.

Grrr...

Been bugging my OA to change to a new PC for me. Mine have been more than 5 years old. When everyone are using Win XP now, I am still at NT.

Grrr...

Today is Monday. So most people are having monday blues.

Most of my non local colleagues have gone home for CNY. Others have taken leave to finish up the rest of spring cleaning.

So today is particularly quiet in office.

Tomorrow, millions of chinese across the globe will welcome the lunar new year together.

So if you have taken friday off too, you will have a very long weekend.

Wenliang has just sent me a mail earlier this morning regarding my blogger.

Was glad that someone actually bothers to read up on what I have written.

My amateurish attempt on 'I have a Dream' actually stuck off the mood in him to write an supposedly pessimistic version of it.

Haha... not bad. I can actually influenced someone to write too =P

His was a very well written piece. Am always impress with his extremely good command of english.

Something that I will never master to that level.

Last night I have lots of fun reading thomas's blogger. He has an enjoyable time critising the system in this country.

Always so witty and hilarious. Precise and cruel in his remarks.

Hmm ...

Just checked and the system is not up yet.

Maybe I will go check out my friends' bloggers again.

adios.

My Spring did come....

In a few more days, it will be Chinese New Year again.

At this time of the year, I will be extremely busy.

Spring did come, but it will be .... spring cleaning!!!

Can't help but feel that most daughters will be physically 'abused' by their mom during this time of the year. =P

Mom will forever be breathing down my neck.

'.. after cleaning the room, help me carry more goodies from ntuc later.. then you need to... blah...

blah...

blah blah..'

All my sibings are married, so that left me the only one and young one to help her with the chores

It's either to scrub the floor in kitchen, or the corridor or.. well, i dun want to know.

This time of the year, mom will be extremely particular about every single speck of dust in the house, and how the plants must be displayed and placed at certain angle, and how you must transfer the cookies from the bigger container to a smaller one so that its freshness will be guaranteed and so on.

In the end, instead of looking neater, I have more containers placed on the table than before.

And on one side of the wall, a few photos of my family were nailed awkwardly in an attemped look good positions.

Some parts of the house were given a new brush of paint, but... err...

Did my dad paint the sockets on the walls with the white paint again, so that it will look white instead of yellow??

At the rate he is painting, I hope he has not painted my toothbrush white too.

And as I scrutinised the living room further, I saw 2 to 3 different pots of flowers being placed on the same cupboard at the same time.

Some vases even contained 3 to 4 types of flowers being 'decorated' together and their sizes and colors do not complement each other at all.

I thought my mom's taste is bad, but on second review, it was.....

My room was in a mess. Days of laziness of piling things onto my study table, has made it looked more like a shelf in the storeroom than a table used for studying.

All tables and cupboards need to be wiped and polished. The pine wood has already lost its shine.

And the shoppings that I have done... err... I am still trying to find space to squeeze them out of sight.

My wardrobe was already tightly filled with clothes, bedsheets, towels, and... more clothes =P

In order to accomodate the rest of my cardigans, I will definately need another basket to store them in.

And the piles of untouched newspapers in my room...

Arrgghh...........

As I was pulling out some boxes under the table, there were dust flying every where. I sneezed as if I have not done so for the last century as I am allergic to dust.

I was thankful that I was not a chamber maid. Otherwise with all the cleaning and the dust flying everywhere, I'll probably pull out my whole nose due to over blowing.

The favourite part of CNY is when I get to tie those little red strings onto the plants in the corridor and those in the house. It's like decorating a Xmas tree.

This coming new year, I hope the tv programmes will be good. For last few years, the movies shown were so old that I thought I was watching an historic clip taken during WWII.

Even my mom's hair looked better than maggie cheung's one in the show. =P

My Sunday is going to end soon. But I have more cleaning to do.

Am going to leave it till the eve to finish up then.

In the meantime, let me enjoy a few episodes of sex and the city...

hehe.

I have a Dream

I have a dream

That I was walking down the shore

Lost in the ocean breathe

Hearing seagulls sing and dance

A pebble washed up my feet

A beautiful stone it was

And I remember once I have the rarest stone

That vowed to shine the brightest and most beautiful for me

But I let it seeped through my fingers

And into the golden grains of sand once more

Oh how I wish I can turn back the clock

To relive that magical moment again

As I walk down the shore now

In hunt for that golden stone once more

Whatever will be will be