Ennui

2 hours 36 minutes.

time seemed to be crawling and reaching a dull stop before i can finish the last bit of my korean soap opera. sometimes i wondered why do i even bothered embarking on such a long and tiring journey pursing such melodramatic series, which are nothing more than fade memories end of the day that lingered on like broken dreams, and the strains of arms from pulling out too much kneenex.

i am killing way too many trees.

perhaps intellectual flicks are still more suitable for an supremely intelligent being. like me. discovery channel is a family program that stimulates your immediate intellect. oh yes, my dear, yes.

the afternoon sun is hiding behind the fluffy clouds on this breezy day. i spent most of my time frolicking under my quilts and caressing my bedspreads with my gloriously exfoliated body. i counted and recounted the number of cracks on the ceiling. i watched the little labourious ant crawling from one end of the ceiling to the other end. such is the ennui of life.

at half past five, i summoned the darkest demons from my closet and challenged them daringly out of sheer boredom. after two hours of pure psychic exchange, i bludgeoned my way to victory.

the smell of the aftermath of the last meal cooked lured me into the kitchen. i pad barefoot into it where i rummaged through the cabinets for ingredients and spices and whipped up another feast. the pots and pans are orchestrating another symphony in the next one hour. on the wall, the clock jingled six o'clock.

reality suckles up on the most lackluster of the days. i just want to be an ordinary woman with tremendous strenght to achieve my bagful of extraordinary dreams in this spectrum of my lifetime.

and oh, a flying pan for a companion.

Past and Present

'jerome says thank you for your present.'

the message flashed across the screen of my mobile from sis in law. i smiled. so, she has already told him about his new gift. i can already imagine him grinning naughtily, his overly bright eyes beeming happily under his roguishly chopped fringe. this little darling whom i have never met before in real person but already an urban legend since his birth seven years ago, has never failed to remind me of my younger days as a supraliminal tyrant at home.

'why daddy? why daddy? why why why??!!'

so many questions. so little time.

the little plush tiger sitting on my palm. how delighted he will be when he sees it.

for a moment if i stare hard enough, i can almost see the little fluffy toy come to life on my palm, rolled a few times over on its stomach and yawning sleepily before dozing off finally.

must be the coffee. i told myself. too much coffee creates illusions.

*************

the room that she is standing in is a room of betrayal. it is a room of pain, lies, disgust, of reality, of truth, of ruthlessness and broken pieces. its debauchery reigns in the aftermath like the toy soldiers that march steadfast from the cookies tin.

keys. petite tubs of rouge. soiled towels. the pair of red slippers of his other woman. the misplaced of the wedding photos. the ruffled bedspread. imprints on the pillows. everything - an affair, which is the beginning and the end.

the residuals of the physical intimacy. like a spear that stabs through her, is going to stay in her entire life. the pack of prophylactic in the drawer is but a count less. cold images haunt her as real as the sweaty and entwined limbs. the breathelessness. bodies bruised from hours and hours of hedonistic revelry and indifference. and if she is allowed of the privileges, the blowjobs too.

this room.

where she has once shared the most intimate moments of the man she loves. of promises and eternity. the milestones of her life. her future. her all. now fades to a begrime dream that takes away all parts of her from her life in that fleeting moment.

*************

he walked past us for the third time. lingering for a longer moment than necessary for the last time.

'nice black lacy number today.' the message read from my mobile.

i subconsciously pulled my pants higher to hide the thin elastics.

bastard. i smiled. before turning back to my huge piles of agenda waiting for me for the day.

harrassment can still be fun.

The Unwritten Written

tonight is not a good day to write.

it is one of those days that nothing sounds right to the ears. the flowers appear too dull. visions become too blur. thoughts are too sparse. words become too distant. to make a long journey short, a glorious tale untarnishs with its original glow, let the essence be captured without being whole.

boss. no listening. music. for me. i laugh. let him do it again. the pig. praise. me. look different. prettier. surprise. thank her. feel sorry. for her. phone. rang. vivian. newborn girl. beautiful. overjoyed. i smile. cubby little fingers. pualaners. saw. colleagues. past and present. his close friend. the residues. ghosts. back. haunting. drinks. friends. pork knuckles. new german friend. home. television. blog. msn. elementary school friend. long chat. nitez.

i think i should just stop writing tonight.

Come Undone

i realised, the biggest fulfillment towards your goal is not about taking that very first step out of your comfort zone, but seeing it through what you have started and following it till the end. that is the toughest goal for any homo sapiens to achieve, and many has failed.

i have seen this happened to almost all the people around me. many have started out on their ambitions on an earnest note that inspired heaven and earth, only to give in to temptations, distractions and the greed of man.

monday. time and again, i am still sitting on a long awaited problem. not that i have not worked hard towards solving it, but lady luck has not been shining on me for the last few years. i have been forgotten. but i do not blame her.

many a times in our lives, what we reaped are what we have sowed but this is only half of what we learned in elementary class. more importantly, we need to sow using the right method, at the right time, in the right place. every cause has its effect. and what you do now affects the later part of your life. what goes around comes around.

someone once told me before, one must go to the the extreme in order to push yourself to the limits to fulfil what you want, even if it means leaving you with no resources on hand, or you will forever be stuck in your current situation.

perhaps we are the species that will only learned through hard lessons and it is the lessons that undo us.