Reverse

the tediums and strains of life caught up with us everyday.

we turn into atrocious greedy beasts, lost in our small hatreds and the maladroitness of our own intellectual vanities.

i rewind. tracing back those distant cords that were often forgotten...

monday. he tells me he no longer love me. i feel my soul leaving my body.

my brother reprimands me for not taking that license. he wants me to do sales. my in law asks me why am i still not taking action to fufil my dream. my sis pressurizes me to take that test. my parents whine for my attention and contribution to the household.

the corporate witch from my team stab me to the rest of the managers and avp. my indian queen and the mighty witch spoke up for me. i was transferred to a new team. that is my reward for four years of hard toiled work.

he travels the coral sea with her despite my protests. i weep my heart out for five days. but i never blame him.

he pledges his love. we know each other only for one month. too fast. i ponder. the day before i am going to tell him i want to be his girl, she told him i am in love with another. we fight.

he tells me he loves me. i am the happiest girl on earth. i thought. finally i found a guy who truly appreciates me. too bad. it lasts over distance for only two weeks.

i see a new guy in the pantry. he is so charming! i go to the pantry everyday during that time hoping to steal a glance at him again.

i handle half of the team's work. half of my co workers surf and play games. during appraisal, my spineless boss told me my performance is not good enough. i am placed in the last five percent in the damn department.

"they are going to ask people who did badly in appraisal to leave." my demoralised co worker told me desperately. saturday. i go back office to pack my things home in case i am asked to leave soon. i break down. penn looks on helplessly. i told myself. i will sue if they do that.

a new colleague is joining my team. a hunk to be. we are so excited. the first day we saw him, we choked on our coffee.

my maharaja screams at me. everyday. i toil late into early mornings. i tell myself. this is a training. one day he stands beside me and scream at me for five hours non stop. i break down. i try my best. my colleagues pretend to drag him aside to ask him questions about work. the corporate witch grins to herself.

university. the medical student.

i gaze at him one last time before i finish my last revision for my last varsity papers the next day. he leaves one hour before me. i look at his fading back view. i am still too shy to approach him even though i caught him stealing glances at me numerous times for three semesters. one hour later when i am walking to the bus stop, number 96 has just departed. his bus. i reach the bus stop but he is still there! waiting. my heart leaps. we are still silent. my bus comes too fast tonight. i take 105 instead of 96 that night. he looks at me with an extremely astonished look on his face. that is the last time i saw him.

after five tireless days in the cacs camp, i am awarded the best councilor. i go home and drop dead for one day.

i name him mango. i hold a torch for him for one year. that semester, he takes one look at my beautiful best friend and goes after her. one look. my best friend is considering him seriously even though she knows i love him. it is end of the world. i lose two friends i treasure the most in my life.

that is when i realized. the man on this island goes only for looks.

year one. i like his wits since first day in camp. one day he told me. he is after one girl in science. she is the prettiest girl in the co ops. i encourage him though i feel the ache in my heart.

i am sitting front row in tutorial. i gaze up. my tutor has forgotten to trim his nostrils hairs. and i thought i saw the split ends.

after A's. i met him. he is a friend of my friend's cousin. he is so charismatic my heart beats. one day my friend told me. he is chasing after the prettiest girl in his hostel. i was devastated.

junior college.

first day back in school. i need to redo my As. my teachers this year throw sarcastic remarks at me. the whole school scrutinizes me from head to toe. another reminder that i used to be a student councilor and i fail. i swear. even if i have to give up a kidney. my grades will make it to uni. and i did.

justin. i love him so much my heart flutters when he is around. i cannot concentrate. i flop my A's. does he or does he not? all my classmates are teasing us. few years later, he reveals to us he is a gay.

"your test grade cannot be lower than mine." kit is telling me. "no. mine is surely lower than yours." i whisper back. "alright. we count 1 2 3 and we say it out together." and i emerge as the higher scorer. i score 3.5 points for my test totalled 20 points. he did his for 3 points.

i am walking in the canteen, beaming with pride with my new student councilor badge when a group of rowdy guys run past me. leonard, the most notorious guy in school, thrusts an egg into my hand. "lollipop! today is mario's birthday! come with us to sabo him!" i am stun. my discipline master glares at us.

i am back in school after medical leave. i am sabotage by my classmates. the class has nominated me to be a student councilor. "you have the look of a leader." an innocent classmate reveals to me. i show my class the finger and walk out. cheers and applauses thunder the classroom.

high school.

for the fourth year in a row, i am again the champion of my 100m hurdles in school. no kick. i have no rival. too bad i cannot break that record. my class cheers for me. i go on to bring back three more gold medals for the class. but i am disappointed. i cannot bring back the same medal from the national schools meet.

the national hurdles coach spots me. he takes over the training from my coach. end of the session, he rewards me two dollars for the good job i have showed him. my teachers are beaming with pride.

the flasher cum molester is here again. i run together with my teacher and team mates after him. we are carrying hockey sticks and softball bats with us. he is lucky.

my class wants me to step down as a class monitress. not because i am a lousy leader. i work too damn hard the previous year. i am also the class rep in sports, arts, physics, chemistry, welfare, chinese, literature and physical ed. they want me to have a break and be an assistant monitress instead. i am still disappointed.

i am in dad's car. the traffic officers struggling to copy down the cars with no purchase entry to the city. i ask my brother why didn't the government have an electronic system that will scan all vehicles passing through it. "don't be stupid." few years later, the ERP is borned.

secondary one. i overheard two of my classmates making a joke of me. i am so skinny the wind can blow me away. and i will drop dead on the track during 2.4 km run. i prove them wrong. unknowingly. i emerge as the fastest runner in class for 2.4 km run. and one of the two girls my class can rely on to bring home those medals.

elementary school.

twelve years old. no one talks much to me. i am too shy and quiet. i blush when boy talks to me. i am so sick of the remarks penned by my teacher every year in my report card. a hardworking and quiet girl. i tell myself i cannot carry on this way in my life. i want a change. and i did. after sixteen years.

mom is screaming at us. she has brewed a huge pot of herbal tea for us. i take one look. bitter and smelly. the ingredients look suspicious. we are ordered to finished the whole pot. i pour using the biggest glass i can find and fill it to the rim for my brother.

i ask my brother another question. why don't the shampoo and conditioner be mixed together instead of separating them? it will cut down the bathing process. i am again asking another stupid question. few years later. again. the two in one shampoo is borned.

i am awarded another prize for an art piece that i have drawn. so boring.

i am blushing with embarrassment from head to toe. my stupid classmate screams to the teacher in front of the whole class that i do not know what is improper fractions. i do not know the 'improper fraction' term though i can do the calculations. for that mid year examination that i did that year, i top my class in maths. unintentionally. i go on to top the class in both maths and chinese for the rest of the year, and won a prize for best hand writting. he never dare looks me in the eyes again.

seven years old. i am watching the most horrifying movie. the chicken did not cross the road. it is running in my grandfather's house. my aunties and mom are chasing after it now. its initial task is to be a pet for my family. there are lots of squeakings and screamings in the house. one hour later, it is sitting on the dinner table.

i recieve an award in front of the whole school for an art work of fish that does not look like one. it is a box of crayons with 48 colors. i am delighted.

ouch. my brother flings me down onto the mattress again. we are playing the judo masters-wana-be. he beats me in everything. even in birth. seven years before me. in the afternoon, we are playing soccer. i never get to touch the ball for the whole afternoon. i pull down his shorts in anger and snatch the ball away. the next day, we are having a game of chili king. the person who can finish the plate of chili first will be the winner. we are taking oyster omelettes to lessen the spicy effect of the sauce. in the last one minute i am going to lose in the game again, i drink the whole dish of chili sauce in one gulp. for once, i am the winner.

kindergarten. i am sitting besides the prettiest girl in the class. we play together everyday. i thought she is my best friend. she tells me one afternoon. i don't want to be friends with you coz you are ugly.

the women scream again. i am deaf for a moment. the cockroaches are running everywhere. i am not scare. i even pick one of them up to play the hypothesis game i saw on television, swinging it like a pendulum in front of my face. i thought i am abnormal. so i train myself to be afraid of them. now i succeeded. terribly. television should be out of reach of children.

first month. thirty top ranked and junior doctors are gazing miraculously at me at the same time. i am smiling happily in the hospital cot. oblivious to the events around me. the operation is cancelled. the lump choking my chest for last three days has cleared suddenly. time to go home. the nurse pokes the needle into my butts. i wail.

... it is so amazing to see your life in reverse....esrever... i have come so far. and i will scale higher pinnacles.

Pleasure

half closed eyes.

feet dangling from the upholstery in the room. cool breeze engulfing my whole body from the heavy downpour outside the building. my being is fully resuscitated through every pores on my carefully hydrated skin.

a freshly brewed cup of bushshells coffee on the table from down under. savouring my chocolate sauce from brisbane with those glorious strawberries and the crunchy biscuits from france. soft jazzy music in the background. another pot of seafood broth made from the imported soup from tasmania simmering in the next few minutes. i glowed from the recollections of my wonderful adventures in the other lands.

what can be more relaxing than lazing around at home, while away your time as you wish as though you are the queen in your own realm on a cooling saturday?

i am going to lose myself in this self indulgence weekend after a week of life battling work at my warfield.

going to get ready for my long awaited pedicure later.

just do not envy me too much now.

Dim Sum?

one has to resign to its corporate fate.

i am a info technology analyst la dim sum dolly. nevertheless.

didn't my appointment letter indicate that my thralling parole with the organisation involves eradicating all freaking systems issues even in the wee hours of the night?

much to my self propelling actualization, what i have achieved for the last few months have already surpassed the power of superhuman. note the emphasis. SUPER. my brain cells have been bleeding dry to accomplish the gargantuan load, of which includes events like birthday, farewell parties and even ordering of biscuits for the whole division. i repeat. WHOLE DIVISION. did i just said eradicating system issues?

much to my repulsion and disgust, once again the gigantic task of celebration for a new phrase for the team has been entrusted into my tiny hands again. to be exact, the fifth time in nine months. great. that is besides the critical remarks that i have to dodge from the rest of the team on how some things should be done in a thousand permutation styles.

such audacity to abuse such brilliant encephalon of the century.

today i was working out the list of to do when i heard this ditty in my head that goes: i am going to die. iamgoingtodieiamgoingtodieiamgoingtodie. much to my dismay, i have also been sabotaged by my workmate to collect all the fund contributed to the celebration. applause.

just when i am trying to think of another thousand permutations of inspiration codes that can squeezed into my fuming head at that point of time, i saw my ex-boss. that sad, invertebrate of the human evolution. in the past, i wish he could go get himself a coronary. and i suddenly realised my life is already better than his. what is worse than losing all of one's pride in the work place?

whatever sweat my boss did not manage to torture out of me, the corporate witch from the top did make me broke out in cold sweat. the long awaited computers have arrived and i was the last, lucky one to recieve it, while the rest of my co workers have to wait another few more months before the loan machines to another team needed for testing is returned to them.

my boss did help me fight for this. that's it. tomorrow i shall give him a muack on the cheek.

did i just told you i am getting luckier nowadays? if i didn't tell you, here is the Sojourner TRUTH.

tonight i shall go home to pray to my god.

Chocolat

"life is a box of chocolates
you never know what you are going to get"
- forest gump

life is a box of fermented chocolates. you always know what turd you are going to get.

it was one of those days that i dreaded. i want to get lost under those sheets and anesthesize myself with more sleep so that i won't be forced to be me and get away from my current berth for that moment. much to my own sedentary contentment.

been too melancholic of late. trapped in my own self created turmoils inside my body and mind. like an oscar gliding in circles aimlessly in that mouldy tank waiting to be released back to the ocean. the tediums of life catches up with me and the most depressing of it is feeling like a defeated warrior, allowing myself to be drowned in self pity that i have been too indulgent on myself, and trying unsuccessfully to agitate the antiboties to flush out that mental toxics. bipolar? no thanks.

my schizophrenic voice reprimanded me again.

snap out snap out you fool! stop it!

sometimes you just want to force out that thought all together. forget it for that brief moment. and after awhile, you forgot that you are forgeting. and you really forget. by then you are feeling better already.

now i am feeling better.

if life is a rope, i am that imbecile hanging at the other end.

someone passes me that chewy chocolate fudge cookie please?

Her Name is Satine

Once I had the rarest rose
That ever deigned to bloom.
Cruel winter chilled the bud
And stole my flower too soon.
love song for a vampire, annie lennox

she is a vampire. her name is satine.

i always knew reincarnation exists. the cat has nine lives. the crow carries the soul of the dead to the nether world. the moth is the impermanent rebirth of our love ones traversing back from the other side to catch a last glimpse of us before departing eternally.

i always thought that i am borned in the wrong century, in the wrong era, on the wrong side of the equator. now i am sure of it. sometimes i dreamt of old dark castles and carriages. dark hooded man strolling on ancient streets. warlords with their swords. black horses galloping across the vast land.

blood does not terrified me. my friends squealed at the slightest sight of it. i will only look on apathetically. in fact, i love blood. nothing beats having blood oozing out of that succulent slab of tenderloins from the plate. si délicieux.

sleep never seeps into my body at nights. countless nights i laid awake on my fluffy quilt and matteress. eyes wide open. counting the imaginery stars above me. which star have i already counted? damn it. so confusing. sometimes i wonder, maybe i will sleep better in coffin. in the day, i dodged the sun. sun is the greatest evil of all the freckles and spots on my porcelain complexion. i piled on my sun block. i looked like i have been up all night toiling for my work. a true blue vampire look of the modern era. didn't calvin klein runway been sporting that look for seasons?

i winced at the acrid smell of garlic frying over pans. my eyes turned blind when they hit any of the pungent substance on the menu. i shivered at the sights of churches. for years when my holy spirit was being preached on that faith, being tugged and dragged by the believers to the place, i kicked, i yelled, i punched.

and i swear. my canines are much longer than the rest of my teeth. MUCH LONGER. way back when my orthodontist was doing the final touch up of my set, he has to painfully trim it for hours just to make them looked the same height than the rest.

a women's instinct, is an instinct comes right.

she is a vampire. her name is satine.

Masked

a singularly fortunate person she is
for she can choose to love or not be loved
but there is no remedy for me but to love her more
that, i leave for Fate to dictate
as they all say, What ever will be will be
- lyl -

he was silent. his face a mask of thoughts. his chiseled features looked more distinctive when he was serious.

i looked at him again. cooing him to give in to that unexpected proposal.

he wavered, lost and entangled in that web of emotions and uncertainties that he was trapped into. i could sense the turbulence in him.

after a long silence. i held my breathe.

ok.

that two syllables put me over the moon. i swelled into a state of euphoria, floating away from the ground, feeling the lightness of my being, waiting for the undercurrent to splinter from within, and gushing through every of my pores on my skin.

he opened and held the car door for me.

i will open the car door only for the woman i love.

i swelled again. beaming like a silly school girl who has recieved a stalk of rose for the first time.

the traffic seems too smooth today. the roads seem shorter. the pedestrians were skipping and hopping to aviod the puddles of water on the road, so was my heart beating inside. flipping and overwhelming with joy till it overflew the brink, and it repeated that vicious cycle over again.

i am in love.

yes. and already i am cringing inside out.

i am in love.

i was humming along the jazz piece he was playing in the car, swaying my body slightly to the beat and the rhythm of that nat king cole number. the air seems different today. love is in the air.

he was silent.

"there seems to be so many cars on the roads nowadays."

the slience broke. he relaxed and we talked about the increasing prices of the economy. the exorbitantly priced commodities. the price of KIA. the parties taking place tonight. the market shares. the music i like. the music he likes. the steak we had tonight. my trip in shanghai. the weather. his new friends. his work. the people from other countries.

i dun give a damn. i just want to talk about us. you and me. me and you. us.

when we stopped the car in the lot, i took out excitedly the gift i have bought for a long time, and been waiting to give it to him. i shoved the beautifully wrapped parcel into his hands, like a little girl waiting shyly for the teacher to evaluate her performance in the current semester, and looked on with anticipation for that flinch of gratitude, or that wince of love from long ago.

he was silent. he took it in nonchalantly. the only betrayal was the boyish grin that subconsiously slipped through his face.

never mind. at least he likes it.

as we strolled to the beach, him carrying the bagful of delicacies and mysteries i have painstakingly prepared for the night, he reached out and held my hands as we strolled on, like an old couple reminiscing their youthful love in the past.

i was soaring over the moon, and out of the universe. aphrodite could only look on with envy.

we spread our mat on a spot facing the sea. i attempted to light the scented candles specially handpicked by myself. the wind was strong. he cuddled me closer and helped to block out the wind. i forgot to breathe for that moment.

he laid down on the mat, and i placed my head on his shoulder when i slipped down besides him. we were savoring the strawberries and red wine we have brought along. and we gazed up at the sky and the stars. i pointed orion out to him. a couple strolled past us. another group of young lads cheering and partying into the night. cheering as if they were celebrating for us. for me. for that eternal moment.

i playfully put him up and we do a short waltz. imagining that slient soundtrack playing in the background. he followed me awkwardly and playfully. i tried placing both my feet on his while we were waltzing barefooted on the sand, but i was too heavy. we giggled like little kids playing in the rain. or frolicking happily in the seawater.

i want to hold you like this forever.

i wished time would stop. that it would freeze at that eternal moment. that the next grain of sand dropped from the hourglass be hanged motionless in mid air. that the spill of the coffee be halted before it hit the ground.

the breeze was toying with his collar. the wind ruffled his hair. i watched the stars with my arms above my head. as i embraced him, i embraced my life i never did before. my world is this embrace and i am leaving it soon. if there were a thousand and one constellations in the universe, we were the nebulas in bloom.

the journey home seems short. again. everything seems flew by so fast with him around.

i bid him goodnight for the day at the bottom of the stairs, which i have never allowed him to see me to the door in the past, for fear that my curious preying family would find out and questions pop excitedly. but that night, i wished that he would sent me to the door. i wished that the night would not end so fast.

i gave him one last hug, one last kiss on the cheeks.

as i walked down the walkway to my unit, i turned around and saw him watching me silently. rooted to that very spot i wished would hold him there forever. for a brief moment, i thought i saw again that longing in his eyes from long ago.

when i reached my house, i turned my head to the spot he was standing at previously.

he was gone.

It's Raining Man

i am in love with my screen. i am ogling at my computer wallpaper every single lovey infested day.

it is sporting a new orlando bloom wallpaper, with his scaringly good looks and mouth watering elvish tights from that muscular deformation and bladder tormenting movie. i have faithfully downloaded every single of his wallpapers since. peter jackson has another flair besides directing. he should seriously consider a career in carpentry or constructions. the houses in nz will be in the shape of dome.

why do i have to be subjected to such oestrogen distress?

put it in simple words. i am officially suffering from the outrageous-good-male-genes-privation syndrome in the office and every other where. what can be more catastrophic than that?

talk about jude law look alike in the next proximity of one kilometer? only in my wildest dreams. i am glad if the men in my life ever remembered that i have once existed in the tiniest fragment in their lives should i die of a cardio arrest from the news of yet another reorg of my company.

just last morning, i was sauntering to the pantry with more things i could carry in my two hands. this young man behind me saw but grinned on obtusely for me to open that damn door. using every acrobatic stunts i was taught from my physical ed classes in school, i finally pushed open that glassdoor using my hips, with a strenght that every single mother-in-law will have no doubts of my womanly ability to pass on the family line. moving on to the second barrier, he again grinned on brightly for me to repeat my stunt.

if i have a third hand, i will shove that spoon up his ass.

desperate for a male dominant in my life? no thanks. isn't it also a woman's primitive instinct to seek out its prey too?

a guy friend told me that day.

if today is the end of the world, i will be the woman he wants to sleep with.

i am a woman with great charisma and attractiveness. well, he has no idea.

Voices

he had a long, lonely night ahead waitin' for June.
then among the leaves near an orphan's home
a piece of paper caught his eye,
and he stooped to pick it up with trembling hands.
and as he read the childish writing, the old man began to cry,
'cause the words burned inside him like a flame.

"whoever finds this, I love you!"
"whoever finds this, I need you!"
"i ain't even got no one to talk to!"
"so, Whoever finds this, I love you!"
whoever finds this i love you, mac davis

my inner voices spoke to me again. i shivered as i listened to them. i seem to be talking to myself much too often nowadays. too many thoughts. one gave me advice that i did not want to hear but i need to hear it. another told me to plunge ahead and just do regardless of the protests around me. life isn't that great anymore when you are offered too many choices. and none of which you can follow. wholeheartedly. each is drowning out each other's voice to talk to me, to make me go the way they directed. i am confuse. undecisive. the back of my mind, it should be done this way. but deep in my heart, it forbids. now i am left with the final move. that is to take it further into action. nothing is considered done unless you put it into action. i ponder. that moment of silence to make the decision. to carry out the action and not look back with regrets of the decision i need to make now. that moment.

Silent Night

pain. for the fifth day in a row, my body is screaming in agony. this particular month is bad. surges of spasms wrecked through my body like the fuming lava destroying every single living form hindering its path. another one throbbing endlessly in my head for the first one day, threatening to explore.

i grimaced to my pathetic soul.

again the question is raised. why am i borned an eve? the biological reproductive system ragging inside my feminine shell, waiting aimlessly for that faithful day to bear the fruit of my love one, is as inutile as the dilapidated maserati in the garage waiting to be scraped. the only reminder of its redundant existence at this point of time, is the sudden plunge of emotions or the excruciating spasms on the eve before its grand crimson arrival.

its existence reminds me yet again that my body is still alive. and is frail. i will gladly eviscerate my fallopian tubes, my uterus, my ovaries, my eggs out of my entire system, at least for now, in exchange for that monthly serenity, that porcelain glow of my perfectly spotless skin, that frantic dash to the pharmacy for a last minute sanitary overdosed, that painstaking motion of laundrying my favourite delicate piece of garment from its stubborn stain, and that almost lunarly s p a c e d sick leave i am force to take. bare with me boss. bare with me.

sleep? i crave. i lust. i yearn.

the spasms make it more impossible to do so nowadays.

or more like lying on my bed, feigning that shut of the eye and the stillness of my limbs. i am even trying not to let the lamplight that beamed through the windows into my room to disrupt my attempted bliss. or the gentle whispers of the leaves on the trees. or the endless moans of the cats roaming outside the premises.

sometimes, i seem to constantly drift in and out of my sleep. after so many times, i no longer able to differentiate between my imagination and my sleep. or if it is a dream disengaging itself a dream. or if my thoughts and dreams are entwined in a maze of labyrinth. it gets so confusing, that i can even woke up in a dream, only to find that i am still dreaming.

or perhaps the psychic guy is right, my lack of chi. could this be the reason why my body is not able to catch ample sleep in this lifetime?

how i wish. i sought.

that a swirl of white clouds from beneath, will spiral itself around me, lifting me up from the ground, cocooning me to that sweet slumber. rocking my battle worn body like an infant. soothing my hair gently as if it is make of the most delicate silk threads, and the magical hum of the siren or that impressive orchestra strung by the crickets, leading me to that beautiful serenity.

but no matter how hard i galloped, after countless nights, with a thousand fluffy white lambs tucked under my bed, i just wasn't fast enough, to reach that dreamland.

Astrud

maybe, when you leave, i will tell you that i love you. i will tell you that the feeling is unexpected, that it is still young, trembling, sheathed in a new awareness, like the gasp of a hardy rose when it first breaks through the sun-warmed earth. i will tell you that i am lost in it, that there are moments of drowning, and that there are times when i do not want to return to the surface. i will tell you that my breathing is only a deep momentum of life’s rhythm, the way africa is in a sonnet, the way that its country’s native drums resound through the night, with my heart following every beat.

maybe, when i tell you that i love you, you will listen. you will sit across me and look into my eyes, knowing that these are the only pools of darkness you would willingly lose yourself in. you will caress the energy of my hair, the curving lines of my neck, the soft slope of my shoulders without ever reaching out to me. you will then fold your hands in, as if in prayer, with your graceful head bowed down, your eyes studying the old lines on your fingers and the half-moons of your nails. you will listen like a child listens to his mother play the battered keys on the piano, and maybe, when you listen hard enough, you will hear the music of the drums.

maybe, when i have told you that i love you, my eyes will continue to speak. and they will say much, much more. with the eloquence of a gazelle, they will tell you the story of your face, of your hands, of your belly, of your feet. they will fashion words out of the air, snatch them like little fireflies, and they will tell you the secrets of lovers’ bodies and the way they seem to melt into each other without even touching. they will tell you that you are a continent, an unconquerable castle, a maharajah with his jewels sitting on the back of his trusty elephant, a fluid mountain, a sequoia, a soaring eagle who travels blue-gray skies, an ancient nautilus. when the lips are quiet, the eyes say much, much more.

maybe, when both my lips and eyes have fallen silent, you will misunderstand. you will pull away from me like the tide pulls away from the shore, and you will forget the elemental languages life has taught you. you will forget, as i will remember. i will remember that i cannot hold your hand until I hold your heart, that not touching you is also loving you, that loving you is bidding you farewell. i am that perennial novice. i will stumble when you stand. i will falter when you are coherent. and i will not touch you as you have not touched me.

maybe you forget that my heart is a living thing. you forget the way it laments rain, the way it lies wantonly on a bed of damp soil, the way it jumps with the children who have hoops in their ears, the way it is fragrant, the way it consumes your passion, the way it sings the music of the universe, the way it kicks off the bedcovers, the way it wears sparkling gold rings, the way it makes shadow animals on the walls, the way it rises in wet abandon to your calling, the way it dances, the way it wears my father’s favorite hat, the way it struts, the way it shivers at the touch of your skin. maybe you forget that my heart is only a living thing, the only living thing. maybe you forget.

maybe, when you are gone, when you stand up and your starched shirt rustles in protest, when your chair folds into itself with loneliness, when the sky utters its solemn oath, when the door closes after your light footsteps, my lips and my eyes will fall forever silent. they will be beautiful, endless, unyielding, unchanging. they will know no goodbyes, no love. they will unlearn your name and your voice and your sinuous lines and your knuckles and the freckles on your cheek. all that will remain will be those great native drums, beating with a fervor that my heart once followed.

maybe.

-- transcience

Thoughts of the Day

for the hundredth time, i scorned at the human race again.

I am Sam

Stress
makes you achieve more than what is deem impossible
Anxiety
pushes you to complete more in shorter time
Grief
flungs you dead onto the ground and stand up to be a stronger being
Wrath
shoves you beyond your limits you can only imagine

i live by these principles from now on.

who says the ordinary can't achieve out of the ordinary?

Pray

what i heard was the thundering of my sibling's angry voice down the other end of the phone line. after the stressful conversation has ended, i am left facing my screen once again. be it then or now, i have to churned out an utmost important mail to my sibling.

half frustered with the most part of my inner self burned out by the earlier exchange, i sat still. my mind is in a total darkness. blank. whiter than the piece of paper lying lazily in front of me. nothing can penetrate my mind now. stressed out. burned. exhausted. anxious. seconds passed. the clock is ticking. minutes. when i gazed at the time piece in front of me again, an hour and a half has passed.

nothing. stil nothing.

blank.

another pain raged through my stomach. as i sat inside the toilet, convulsing in pain since last week, i felt a tickle ran past my left cheek. another droplet down my nose. and another. slowly a small pool was formed on the floor between my legs. for the first time in weeks, the condensation formed inside my heart is not due to him.

for the first time in my life, my intrepid and rebellious self surfaced.

'what i want is to be a loser for the next two fucking years. i'll rather be a whore than to need your help. happy?'

i bite my tongue.

two hours passed. my mind is still blank. the night is silent. the neighbourhood is sleeping.

i scribbled what little paragraphs i can articulate and clicked on the send button.

for the second time since last week, i said to myself.

pray.

Reminisces

i collect
little fragments
of my life
my memories

some fragments
which are beautiful
i reminisce them again
when i want to remember

living that
moment all over
permeated in it again
breathing in the joy

i destroy
other fragments
that are not perfect
in my life

such moments
are often
better
unrequited

Baby Blues

went shopping alone that day.

i happened to see a lovely lovely sweet pinkish baby dress, and i have to kick myself really hard not to buy it for vivian's baby.

till now, we still do not know the sex of the baby.

she's into the end of her second trimester, and the doc is still not able to see if it is a boy or girl.

hmm.

noti noti little sweetie, refuses to let we, the anxious aunties, know its sex.

juz last year, i came across this sweet, err... pinkish (again) coat and and it was on sale.

it was sooooo lovely and fluffy, with beautiful embroidery sewn on it but i have no little nieces and nephews, and i actually called up my sis and asked her when is she planning for a baby.

if it is soon then perhap i'll juz buy it and keep it till the kiddie is borned.

hehe. i am crazy.

anyway, vivian and i have been discussing ways and means to know the sex of the baby.

if the doc is unable to help, there's still the old wives' tales, methods and myths to discover the sex of the baby.

for example...

some mothers mentioned that if the belly of the pregnant woman is of oval shaped, then it is a boy. and vice versa.

some said that if it is more perky, than it's a boy. well.. perky? and if the bulge is sitting at the lower end towards the groin of the woman body, it is a girl.

if the pregnant mommy has bad pimples outbreak and other symptons, she has to be carrying a girl due to the hormonal changes.

but i heard before that it's the other way round for this.

hmm. let the aunties thrash out this theory then.

once, my frenzs and i tried an errie trick on my pregnant frenz.

we tied a red thread to her wedding ring and held it over her palm. shd it swing in circular motion, it is a baby boy. else it is a girl.

we have even closed up all doors and windows to make sure that the thread has moved not due to the wind.

in a few moments, the ring has actually started swinging in circular motion!!

and true enuff, when my frenz did her scan at the fourth month, the doc confirmed that it is a baby boy.

we were so proud then.

mom has oso revealed that during her times, she used to count rice grains to predict the sex of the baby.

grasp a small handful of rice grains, and start separating grains in twos from the piles till you are left with one or two grains left.

the odd number predicts that you are having a baby girl. even number of grains left mean you are having a boy.

mom counted for me and sis a few times and every time she always ended up with odd numbers of grains remaining.

when it came to my bro, she has even numbers.

scary.

but was fun anyway.

mom has oso mentioned that if the baby is 'hugging' the mommy tightly inside the belly, that is curl up inside the mother, it is a boy.

a baby girl usually rests in a more relax position, facing outwards which complements the chinese saying ... 'nue sheng wai xiang', meaning girls tend to love their hubby more than their parents.

and then there are other tales like, if you conceived on a certain odd (like mar) or even months (like june), combine with your age of even number as well, you are going to get a baby boy coming your way.

vivan has oso told me that her colleagues has sent her some chinese predictions, on how at a certain age period, say between 25 to 30, combine with the yin and yang chart of the months, you can determine the sex of the baby.

wow.

at this rate, no one is going to the hospital then.

but i do know, scientifically how to determine the sex of your kiddo.

the male sperm, Y chromosomes are smaller, lighter, faster and more fragile than the female sperm. they like to live in alkaline environments and can survived only three days.

the female sperm, X chromosomes are bigger, heavier, slower and not as fragile as male sperm, so tend to live longer. they usually prefer acidic conditions and can survived up to seven days.

so if you are trying to conceive a boy you should time intercourse on the day of ovulation or just after so that the fast swimmers can reach the egg first.

and if you are trying to conceive a girl you should time intercourse as far as way from ovulation as possible, while still being in your fertile period.

hehe.

get it?

Different Qns

Different Questions
Created by Talikada and taken 73 times on bzoink!
How do you respond when someone greets you?	oh hi.. do i know you? hehe...
You can have gold jewelry or silver jewelry. Which do you choose?	gold matted bangles
Can you realistically see yourself at age eighty-four?	sipping coffee with my old frenzs and clubbing if no age limits
Do you scoff at the ignorance and impulsiveness of youth...	yes. but i do admire them for their courage.
...or do you hate it when people judge others just by their age?	yes. older pple may not be wise. vice versa.
What's the most impulsive, random, or craziest thing you've ever done?	dive naked in the sea? hehe...
What's your favourite colour of ink to write in?	white?!!
Ever thought you were in love?	yes.
Ever said you hated someone? (Or thought it?)	said nev. thought about it yes. for eg. who is the idiot who has finished my tub of icecream?
Do you scoff at the human race?	yes. screw the terrorists. because of them, i am stuck at the custom for hours
Which is better, in your opinion: summer or winter?	winter of course. nev experience it in s'pore before. will be very fun playing in the snow.
Ever solved a Rubik's cube? (Or tried?)	yes! of course! it's too damn easy!
Choose one: sticky notes or duct tape.	sticky notes. alrite.. wat kind of qns is this?
Are you a morning person?	nope. i am practically a vampire.
You can have any breakfast food you want. What is it?	hmm. this is tough. basically i like food. any food is delicious to me. waffles, CKT, dim sum... etc
Do you believe in horoscopes and astrology?	yes and no. depends on the mood. but likes reading them for fun.
What's the funniest Chinese fortune you've ever gotten from a cookie?	err... nev been to one before. will go visit one soon.
Do you have any "trademarked" sayings or words you use constantly?	ok.. huh?.. hmm.. watever. nev keep track
Sun, rain, or sunshowers?	sun
Does music have any effect on your mood?	has. alot.
What's the neatest pet you've ever owned?	hmm... hmm.. mosquitoes?
Name a song that makes you feel warm and fuzzy.	i am superman? hehe.
Do you think Canadian geese should go the hell home?	err.. wat's that? cheese is cheese. that i know.
What's your view on homosexuality?	nev thought of that. coz i am nev one. dun waste time on that.
What about religion?	sigh. this qn is so boring.
Do little kids make you smile or cringe?	yes. unless they get out of hands. then pls nev place a kid near me or you shall regret.
Do dumb blonde jokes annoy you?	nope. coz i am nev blonde
Do dead baby jokes offend you?	nope. nev heard of one. tell me one if you hv.
How much do you curse? (Or does it offend you?)	that depends on how many assholes are around me that day
How much do you care about how others perceive you?	nev think about that
What scares you?	ghosts?
What humbles you?	nev think about that
What encourages you?	nev think about that
What discourages you?	nev think about that
Do you kill insects?	yes.
Do you litter...or loathe litterbugs?	nope.
Do small animals, like squirrels or bunnies, scare you?	nope
Do clowns actually make you laugh, or do you find them frightening?	sometimes i smile. but most of the time i find them silly
Do you like balloons?	i like them only when they are not near me.
Ever squirted whipped cream into your mouth from the can?	nope.
Which is better: the actual cake, or the icing?	cake! cake!
Ever stayed up all night?	yes of course!
What's your favourite {physical} feature?	haha. dun tell yer
What's your least favourite {physical} feature?	i am happy about everythg about me!
When birds sing, do you want to shoot them, or do you love it?	love them. shoot them? chewing gums are even banned over here. where can i get a gun to shoot them?
Thunderstorms: awesome or bothersome?	bothersome. in s'pore there is high chance of be struck by lightning
Do you find freckles attractive? (On yourself or on others.)	yes. on others of course.
Do you like animated films or cartoons?	both.
Name a movie that makes you feel warm and fuzzy.	wow! still hv not get over the warm n fuzzy part?
Name a movie that scared the hell out of you.	evil dead 2. this show is banned here
Ever use words of another language just to confuse people?	yup. in spore we do that all the times
Ever do weird things in public to get people to stare at you?	nope.
Name the most random, pointless item in your room.	my golf clubs?
Name a few things you can touch from where you're sitting.	my computer of course. hehe. my cup. food.
What happens when you die?	the soft toys that my old woman has been eyeing all these while will be the first be out of the house.
Ever been in an airplane? (Are you scared of flying, or do you like it?)	yup. not scared
Rainbows: beautiful, or too happy and gaudy for your tastes?	beautiful.
What ancient civilization intrigues you most?	all.
Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?	yes i know. juz dun make it to be the one.
Are you apprehensive about the future?	yes. the govt raised the px of transport again.
Do you think too much about the past?	yes
Are you good at solving riddles?	yes
Do you like to try new things? Do you like change and variety?	depends on wat.
Ever stayed up for a phone call even though you were tired?	yes
Ever swam in the ocean?	yes
Pick one: pizza, burger, hotdog, cheesesteak, sub/hoagie/sandwich.	cheesesteak
What's your favourite snackfood?	OCK
Do you get the munchies or strange cravings a lot?	yyes!!
Do you drink a lot of water?	yes. all the time
"Sammich" or "sandwich"? ...do you like peanut butter and jelly?	sandwich. peanut butter
Name one thing that would make you reply, "Bullshit."	t-rexs are running around in orchard rd
Do you get a lot of exercise? ...and play video games?	nope. except my fingers
Name a pet peeve of yours.	...............
How do you feel that I didn't ask your name?	this is a stupid qn
Create a Survey Search Surveys Go to bzoink!

Bejeweled

yes!!

played my msn bejewel game and i have scored a high points of 944750!!!

hip hip hoorayy!!

Last Night

last night you ripped my heart out
last night you torn me apart
last night you thrashed my last pride
last night you denied me of my last breathe
last night you never gave me any chance
last night you never gave us any chance
last night your words told me you have found someone
last night i found you have changed
last night i feel like dying
last night i found you are a liar
last night i canot breathe
last night i wan to scream
last night i realized it was all useless
for all the things i have done
is incomparable to the one who has done nothing
i am in pain
i am suffocating
when i scream there is no sound
i gripped my heart
it has lost all hopes
the pain is excruciating
it consumes all my soul
it eats away every bit of my life
my head is pounding
i reach out
it is all but emptiness
the hope and love
have all been disguised
the promise given
has all been nothingness
the love declared
has all been fufilllment of your ego
like many others
you gave in to temptations
you gave in to time
your love canot withstand distance
out of your sights
is out of your mind
after a few rooster's crows
i realize i regret
i should not let you go away
i should not care too much of your life
when i woke up from the dream
i reach out
it is all but emptiness

Dream dream dream

alrite. another sunday.

was flipping thru the sunday times today when i hit upon our local columnist sumiko's column.

the subject of ageism is touched upon.

damn. i hate that term.

who wouldn't? nobody is going to stay forever young.

for we the women, age is a reflection of beauty.

when you are young, you are beautiful.

the mention of age is a taboo in the fashion industry.

that is how society viewed us for the the past centuries. sad case.

the appearance of a line of wrinkle is a tragedy. a new strand of white hair is a disaster.

that is how we are being viewed among our male counterparts.

and now, entered the work scene, we are going to be ostracized.

when you are freshly grad, you are inexperienced. now that you are hitting 30s soon, they expect you to be a highflyer. when you are hitting 40s, pray to god that you are never retrenched.

hmm.

why are we always under the scrutiny of society?

if you are still pondering over the switch of industry, you better do it fast. ie. before you hit the BIG 3.

otherwise employers are going to cast you out completely due to your age.

colleagues have been telling me, now that they are hitting the 40s, they are not able to change industry anymore, and have to be even stuck in the current co forever, till retirement coz other co are not going to hired such OLD people.

when you are at that level, you are neither cheap to hire, nor the higher management has too many a post to be offered.

if you are still hoping to switch industry, you will be viewed as a failure.

great.

hmm. does this serve as a ringing bell to remind us again of our so called dreams in life?

to pursue it while it is not too late to start instead of wasting our time now doing something that we din like and grumbling about it everyday?

to do a job in this lifetime that you love, one that combines of our interests and career at the same time?

of course, in society like s'pore, we have an extremely small market, therefore the risks are much higher.

in china, if you can conquer 0.1% of the market, you are rich. you have make it.

there are also restricted types of jobs you can hold in this small island. for eg if you wan to be an archeologist, haha.. which was also once my dream job too, you will have nothing much to dig and explore here except the cemetries.



even if you are able to make it your dream job, chances are you have to be relocated overseas.

lastly, such subjects are not offered in the local school and you will have to invest huge amount of money to study overseas which is also deem impossible for your poor blogger here.

sad thing is, many have tried to pursue dream jobs or to excel in their career and have failed. well of course... that is why it is called dream job. one that exists only in your dreams. hehe.. okie, juz kidding.

on the other hand, some people have make it.

a frenz once told me his uncle switched industry to be a sale excutive at the age of 30, going from door to door to promote his products.

now he is a multi millionaire and owned properties all over the world.

impress?

i am.

inspired?

me too.

in some cases, getting a dream job you want requires you to have the relevant certificates, which means, if you do not have one now, you have better make plans to acquire it soon, coz certificates need time to achieve.

by then, counting the number of years left to achieve your dream and your job, and to save up enuff money for your retirement, you dun have many years left.

for better or worse, if you have already embarked on the journey to achieve whatever your dream career is, great.

for the rest who are pondering now, good. at least you have started pondering now.

for some, like me, who have finished pondering over our dreams, it's time to take action.

so have you have a dream job too?