Love

i love you.

fallen in love with you.

from the recent past

from the time and space in between

from the moment you found me

from half a globe around

where i wish i can touch you

feel you, smell you, hear you

things that i can't let go

that have never happen

would have happen

i felt everything you are afraid to feel.

A Toast

first thing first.

for the milestones i have achieved over the past one year. for the people i have cried over. for the effort i have put in. for the differences i have reconciled.

here is a little toast to myself.

come and join me for a pint of hoegarden over at balaclava later.

in celebration.

Superman

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me
superman, five for fighting

i wish that may you be, surrounded by joy, happiness and protection all year long. i wish that may you live, in abundance everyday. may the dark clouds in your life be dispersed away, and when you have fallen down, trekking though the treachery road in life, you will stand up tall and dignified, and shine like the orion in the night. that when you cry silently into the night and rock yourself to sleep, i will be there holding you in my arms. and when life is so bleak and sounds so far away from you, i will be carrying you, through the weathered storms and thunders. i wish that may every single second of your life, you throw your arms up in the air in anticipation, and celebrate your best moments. when you feel so defeated and alone, i will be sitting silently besides you. i wish that may you jump with elation, all through your life, and live in bundles of surprises. i wish that may you be, in your darkest moments, and still will be, the shiniest gem on the beach, and move the seagulls close to tears. may you be.

{for all who came across this page}

Remember

People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said.
But they will always remember how you make them feel.
{extracted}

Footnotes

i cried because i have no shoes till i saw a man with no feet.
- anonymous -

shoes. why do i keep finding shoes that fit me so perfectly? perfect is an understatement if you have been spotting them like i do. that divine, beautifully sewn pair of stilettos, and espadrilles. ballerina flats and wedges. my tiny pretty feet are meant for such godsend miracles. the greatest, elysian creation of mankind. shoot me please.

that day i strolled past the rows and rows of window displays downtown. enough! i whispered to myself. no more shopping! damn that miscreant who made such heavenly invention. and just as i was trying to pry my eyes off the windows display of heavenly creation of all the clothes and bags, my intelligent eyes caught sight of the most breathtaking, the minx-iest, the sexiest pair of heels that could ever be allowed in a ballroom.

i was twirling round the spacious shop, sauntering up and down in front of the mirror like Gisele Bündchen. i sworn i didn't just float above ground level, i was soaring to the sky. that perfect green patented carved shiny leather that casted off a lovely glow under the lights. a perfect match with my chiffon emerald ruched blouse. it was a match made in heaven. i sworn even my legs looked longer than usual. oh, i can't breathe.

"They look stunning on you." The sales assistant was praising, taking in with her trained eye of how i was dancing to the world like a ballerina on novocaine.

"Never seen anyone who can fit them so perfectly." Dollar signs in her eyes. "Shall i pack them for you?" More dollar signs appeared.

two hundreds blood robbing dollars. my elation faded and i was dropped from the sky. darn, why did she has to make me feel so short again?

"Nope. perhaps another day." i told her.

the glitter faded from her eyes as she packed them devotedly back into the boxes.

my new year resolution for 2007. i will own a pair of jimmy choos even if i have to sell both my kidneys.

(off to rob bank. back in 3 days.)

A Trip Round and Again

i feel you to feel me to feel you to feel me again.

360 degrees later, it starts all over once more.

The Old, the Past and the Present

the real goodbyes happened slowly. it came without warning. silently. and when it finally struck you, no matter how prepared you are for it, it still struck you speechless, leaving you exposed to your old wounds, ripping you apart with so much intensity that you reeled over and bent in agony. you hate knowing this vulnerability in you, a glitch in your life and body that you seems can't get rid of. you hate the fact that somewhere hidden in you, somewhere tucked in those little secluded places in your heart, a longing still lingers, an emotion you thought you are incapable of long time ago surfaced in your life despite the fruitless attempt of trying to ignore it, kicking it out of your system, and burying it forever in the ground. "i know where you are, baby. i know what you love and what you hate. and i can smell you from a distance. you cannot escape me." he sneered. "and next time, i promise you, i promise, you will never live to forget it. never." and you thought, brilliantly, not being able to see it, feel it or touch it, it will be gone for good. which is why the real goodbyes are here to stay. they get rooted into your life, like the mosses that dug itself deep into the wall. that when you try to pull them out, traces of the past, the marks of old endearment are still visible on the walls.

Pieces of Me

some called it violation. i call it unethical. and when the doors into our life are left too ajar, our heart too generous, all we found at the other end of the tunnel is another genteel crap that sells. where life is an ingenious scheme of sanctioned depravity, my inadequately attempted savagery is somnolent by comparison.

the labyrinth is full of complexities and perils. a careless slip will fall into the abyss of eternal darkness. be warned, careful of the vultures, they said. and he has bitten the very hands that fed him. betrayed the trust that has flourished him.

we walked in this world alone. we treaded on thin ground and fumbled the darkness beyond. and at the end of the audacious search, we realised that the best thing about farewell is coming home. "i don't like this." he said. " it makes me angry."

it is alright. i am alone. i still have me.

there are still some memorable things to cheer about. i love my moments alone. i love reading that hilarious novel of a gal who is crazy about shopping. i love my new brazilian wax. i love my newly cosmos permed hair. i love the way my hair moves along with the wind. i love the delicious smell of my skin. i love whipping up that hearty braunschweiger dinner with my ramalade and tons of raw onions. and i have just learned that wild blue green algae, chlorella and spirulina are the best superfood for our bodies.

these days are hard for dreamers. but i will still dream my little dreams in my own small little affectionate ways.

maybe. just maybe. someday someone will read these little memoirs of mine, and get it published into a novel with a pompous title called 'I have a Dream'. and maybe, my allegory travelled so far and wide that it snowballed into a great film which will be critically acclaimed to be the greatest and most inspiring flim ever made in film history. with prologue that said based on a true story or film credits that said inspired by the most intriguing woman ever lived.

the lights are out. the mices have gone home. but tucked between those fluffy layers of quilts late in the night, i still have my little dreams. no one can take them away from me. generations from now, when they have read me, they will know who am i, where i have been, and because to them, i am beyond discontent or phantasy. i will be that wanting, and the bedtime stories told to the children generations from now.

once they have read me, they will never be the same again. i will forever be encapsulated in a few hundred pages. i will bring time to a stand still in that eternal moment. i will forever be that heroine that lives among the bookshelves. and in the middle of the night, i will bring with me my little stargazes, spread my wings and take off in solo flight. and i will be

immortal.