My Memory
Tonight juz came back from my aunt's funeral.
She has been struggling with leukemia for some time and on Sat she has finally let go.
Dad called me when I was outside and immediately we went down to the wake with mom and bro.
After offering our respects, mom burst into tears. Dad was feeling abit sad but he was holding back his emotions.
Sad to say, I only feel a tinge of sadness, close to nothing.
Nothing.
Years of her and my other aunts forsaking my family and my uncle after a major dispute, the family has splited.
I do not meant to be disrespecful or heartless.
But how to invoke back those feelings when you do not even see a person for a decade, and for forsaking my parents, and that you saw your mom weeping silently and your dad for grimacing to himself for the pain inflicted upon them by their own kins.
When I was at the wake, I felt like I am attending a stranger's funeral.
When I recalled those days when I was a little girl, following my aunts around once in a blue moon, they were only very distant memories.
And the feeling of unfamiliarity was even more obvious when you saw your cousins, who appeared more of strangers to you than your kins.
Even they themselves dun recognise me at all and were wondering who is this young lady with my parents, coz way back then, I was only a girl.
I was this bony, ugly duckling that faded into the background.
She has been struggling with leukemia for some time and on Sat she has finally let go.
Dad called me when I was outside and immediately we went down to the wake with mom and bro.
After offering our respects, mom burst into tears. Dad was feeling abit sad but he was holding back his emotions.
Sad to say, I only feel a tinge of sadness, close to nothing.
Nothing.
Years of her and my other aunts forsaking my family and my uncle after a major dispute, the family has splited.
I do not meant to be disrespecful or heartless.
But how to invoke back those feelings when you do not even see a person for a decade, and for forsaking my parents, and that you saw your mom weeping silently and your dad for grimacing to himself for the pain inflicted upon them by their own kins.
When I was at the wake, I felt like I am attending a stranger's funeral.
When I recalled those days when I was a little girl, following my aunts around once in a blue moon, they were only very distant memories.
And the feeling of unfamiliarity was even more obvious when you saw your cousins, who appeared more of strangers to you than your kins.
Even they themselves dun recognise me at all and were wondering who is this young lady with my parents, coz way back then, I was only a girl.
I was this bony, ugly duckling that faded into the background.
I was this shy and timid girl who was always the last to grab any sweets from my grandpa behind my screaming cousins, that my grandpa finally has to hide some secretly for me.
And I can further see this trait in me when I grow up, that I was too shy and thin-skinned to fight for my own promotion =P
Karen has told me that even she has been promoted, after working in the education industry for only 2 years, she was rewarded.
As her frenz, I am happy for her.
But once again, can't help but reflected on my career.
For the sixth year, I am being passed over for promotion.
But I know it has also been partly my fault coz I have chosen to stay on, and that I have not tried more means to get it.
hhmm... should I or should I not?
Anyway today has been a long and unexpected day.
And tomorrow I still have a damn quiz!!!
Need to go read up now. And tell you the truth, I hate it!!
Till we blog again.
And I can further see this trait in me when I grow up, that I was too shy and thin-skinned to fight for my own promotion =P
Karen has told me that even she has been promoted, after working in the education industry for only 2 years, she was rewarded.
As her frenz, I am happy for her.
But once again, can't help but reflected on my career.
For the sixth year, I am being passed over for promotion.
But I know it has also been partly my fault coz I have chosen to stay on, and that I have not tried more means to get it.
hhmm... should I or should I not?
Anyway today has been a long and unexpected day.
And tomorrow I still have a damn quiz!!!
Need to go read up now. And tell you the truth, I hate it!!
Till we blog again.
a miracle struck @ * 12:09 AM * (",)
1 Comments:
"...this bony, ugly duckling that faded into the background.
...shy and timid girl... last to grab any sweets... grandpa finally hides some secretly for me... this trait in me... too shy... to fight for my own promotion... partly my fault... chosen to stay on... have not tried more means to get it."
From someone who lets others have their way thinking I am doing good and being nice as a friend, to losing out on things in Uni, in work, etc.. to frens and now fighting for things I really want and still letting frens have their way in other things, I have this to say of the lessons learnt:
Cliched as it may be but it's true that no one owes us a living in this world. There are bound to be scums who abuse this rule but at the same time, we need to stand up for ourselves despite being angels. Not all martyrs are glorified.
Let me draw a few analogies:
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Trees grow and need sunlight. However, different trees have different growth abilities. Some absorb sunlight and make the most of it, thereby growing fast. Others give way and let their brethren flourish. In the end, some trees grow tall and strong, some remain or grow slowly. Eventually, the short trees will not get sunlight due to the intense foilage formed by the taller trees. Without sunlight, the tree deteroriates, withers and eventually die. Will the other trees share the sunlight because of this?
This is the nature's law of survival. Only trees, who develop other sources of growth/differentiation, can survive (e.g. colourful fruits to allow for pollination elsewhere or cut off a taller tree's supply of water).
tall tree? short but special tree? or giving tree?
== Which tree do you want to be?
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A popstar has many fans. How does a fan in a crowd of thousands catch the attention of the popstar when the star holds a concert? Will that fan get any attention if he/she stays in the thick crowd? What can a fan do? Some go early to get front seats (even then you may not get noticed)? Others find out who is the manager and pass them gifts. Others attend every single of the star's events, doing/wearing unique AND attention grabbing clothes or actions. There are also fans who wish they get the star's attention and are envious of other fans but do nothing.
Which fan do you want to be? the one who covers all bases, finds all means and ways despite obstacles and goes the extra mile thereby hearing the popstar say "hello XXX, how are you?" the next time both of you meet? or the one who remains envious everytime he/she hears the other fans say "oh, he addressed me by name!" and wonder why the popstar doesn't notice you and begin to attribute it to "not model material lah, no money lah, etc.."
== Which kind of fan do you want to be?
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Have you tried hailing a Taxi just by standing at the side of the road, look out for taxis and do nothing? what do you do to hail cabs? raise out your hands? wave them to get the driver's attention? shout?
Or do you move 5/10/20 steps or even 2km away and stand by the kerb and again do nothing?
Stay on or move on to another spot makes no difference. The essence lies in do you wave your hands to hail the cab as standing by the road doesn't work. If it happens, which has happened before to me before, is just a matter of luck or the driver is desperate for passengers. If this happens ,grab it. Otherwise,...
== How do you hail a cab by the roadside?
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Of course, in the course of achieving, we have to take a breaks occasionally to re-charge, recuperate andre-assess current situations.
Stretch ourselves too thin and we risk snapping into two. Be too evil and you will be condemned by others...
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