Lost

Today I am feeling lethargic again.

I switched from my secret garden, to norah jones.

Too upset listening to those soulful pieces, reflecting my screw up life.

Nothing seems to go well for me.

Work sucks. Still no promotion after years of hard work. While some people can just climb up the ladder surfing web and playing games for last 5 years.

After endless being screamed at by a senior for years, working overnight, stabbed in the back my co workers and some claimed to be friends.....

This year I am not pinning much hope either.

*that spineless loser. time you wake up*

On second day of cny, already had a fight with sis. Again making her unreasonable accusations and demands of me.

For years, she has been making things difficult for me. Always badmouth me in front of my parents and me. Making me look bad.

Seems like she is still jealous of me. Even my other siblings can't stand her nonsense and demands.

At one time she even 'adopted' a sis from her work place, and I feel so hurt. That was the second time she has done that.

She splurged every cent on the 'sis', and she counted every cent with me.

I thought blood is thicker than water, isn't it?

Since young I never know how to fight with other people. Each time grandpa distributed sweets to the rest of the grandchildren, I will awkwardly stood behind the rest of my cousins till they have snatched up all the sweets.

It was so bad that grandpa actually have to hid some for me, then secretly led me to his mysterious hidding place and gave them to me.

My close friend asked me why din I tell her that?

But never once did I do so coz the 'sis' was the ideal sis that she has always wanted, and I want her to be happy.

That day mom again wanted me to contribute more to the household again.

sigh.

What a lousy way to start the lunar new year.

Last weekend, I have just bought some self enrichment books.
Some of the titles I have bought, I would have laughed a few years back. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. You can be happy. Life is short, Put Your Party Pants On, and Art of Seduction.

The last one I definately need it badly, judging from the rate I am being appraised in work.

Today is valentine's day.

I think of him again.

Today I will not recieved any flowers.

Each time I listen to Poeme from secret graden, it will remind me of him.

Bittersweet.

I have worked so hard to salvage whatever is left.

I have never learn to fight in my whole life, but this time I want to fight something for myself.

Each time I am flung painfully onto the ground, I crawled up and tried again.

Till now I still hate her for screwing things so badly for me, and my work and other people impression of me.

He and I were doing fine at first, no pressures, no arguments, till she jealously told him things she noseyly assumed, and hell broke, and I was pressed, and I canot breathe.

And I was confused. I was scared.

And.... I din say yes.

Sometimes, I feel like I am waiting for that judgement day.

That he has found a new love. He has dumped me out of his life eternally.

He has forgotten.

Last year, this time, I was the happiest being on earth becoz I had his love.

This year, this time, I was the saddest becoz I have lost it.

Perhaps I am already fortunate enough.

At least, I have a home. I still have my family. I am not handicapped. I do not have abusing family members. I am not abused or violented. I do not have to sell myself to make ends meet. I do not starve.

I duno anymore.